


Three Auteurs in Search of a Charli

by Charli



Category: Leverage, Lost, The X-Files
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Humor, M/M, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-24
Updated: 2011-11-24
Packaged: 2017-10-26 12:16:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/283024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charli/pseuds/Charli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fox Mulder, Jack Shephard and Eliot Spencer find themselves alone in a movie theatre. Unable to leave and with no will of their own...its as if their actions are being dictated by a higher power...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Auteurs in Search of a Charli

The lights were up in the cinema auditorium but the large screen was black and flanked by gathered red velvet curtains. The theatre was for the most part empty, apart from the three men who collectively appeared to waking from unconsciousness and trying to ascertain their surroundings. There were random sprinklings of popcorn between the seats, like salty snowdrifts interspersed with discarded drinks cartons and the occasional nacho that had been crunched into the carpet by an exiting patron.

Eliot Spencer was the first man to his feet. Poised Ninja-like, hands balled into fists and eyes scoping the layout like an eagle-eyed action man, he tried to make sense of his surroundings. The two other men seemed less alert, more apathetic about their predicament.

“Who are you?” Eliot growled at both of them and none of them.

“Jack Shephard.” Said a voice from the front row and he stood up.

Eliot, still coiled like a spring, his taut muscles quivering, said nothing, just surveyed the dark-haired man with a cool eye.

A man with a serious expression and wearing a serious suit flashed an FBI badge at them “Special Agent Fox Mulder. Someone care to tell me what’s going on?”

Eliot still said nothing but Jack scratched his head and said “Well if it’s any consolation, this is still not the weirdest thing ever to happen to me.”

“Me either.” Said the FBI agent, and they both turned to look at Eliot.

Eliot’s right eyebrow twitched slightly as his brain made a few computations…a deserted cinema, two strange men, one of whom was wearing an overcoat…

“Y’all gonna be really sorry. You picked the wrong man for a little Midnight Cowboy session.”

Jack winced “What? No. I’ve no idea how I got here either.”

Mulder looked pained “It’s the coat isn’t it? If I had a dollar for every time some guy tried to grab little Mulder because he thought the coat was making a statement.”

“You call your penis ‘little Mulder’?” Eliot asked, mildly amused.

“Well apparently Cock Monster was already taken.”

“You damn sure got that right.” Eliot puffed his chest out.

“Seriously guys,” Jack sounded exasperated “We’ve been rendered unconscious, abducted and dumped in a movie theatre and you guys want to play name the penis?”

“Clearly you’re insecure about the name of yours or you wouldn’t mind sharing.” Pointed out Mulder.

“I’m Eliot by the way.” Eliot drawled.

“Or Cock Monster to your friends obviously.” Said Jack pointedly.

“Obviously.”

“Are we going to try and get out here?” Jack asked

Eliot cocked his head quizzically “You know it’s weird,” he said “But I actually have no urge to try and leave. It’s as if something or someone is compelling me to remain here with you assholes.”

Mulder removed his overcoat and set it down over the back of a chair “It’s almost like I have no free will.” He said “Like someone just typed ‘Mulder removes his overcoat and sets it down over a chair’ across my brain, and I did it.”

“Of course we have free will.” Said Jack, “If our actions were being controlled by someone, would I be able to do this?” and so saying he ripped open his shirt, buttons flying in all directions, and bared his manly hairy chest.

“You would choose to rip your shirt off if you had free will?” Eliot asked him.

“I believe so.” Said Jack and pulled the ruined shirt from his shoulders and flung it to the ground. “Further more,” he said “I would also use this bottle of massage oil that I just found randomly in my trouser pocket to oil up my chest so that you might admire it better under the house lights.”

Mulder loosened his necktie, “I think I might use my free will to rub some of that oil on your back.” He suggested and walked over to Jack who handed him the bottle of oil.

“This is fuckin’ ridiculous!” shouted Eliot, “You guys are acting like you’re in some bad gay porn movie instead of trying to find a way out of here.”

Mulder glanced up at him, pausing from his mission of liberally applying the strawberry scented oil to Jack’s rigid back muscles, “I don’t see you rushing to make your escape cowboy.” He said dryly, “And besides, just how much gay porn have you seen to judge what’s good and what’s bad?”

Eliot suddenly became very interested in his feet “Well it was just this one time,” he muttered “I was in college and very drunk…”

“Uh huh.” Said Mulder and turned his attention back to Jack, “I think you should take your trousers off, I don’t want to get any oil on them.”

“Good idea,” said Jack, “You might want to take off your suit as well, I’d hate it to get ruined on my account.”

The two men started stripping off the rest of their clothes and as much as he wanted to run for his life, screaming at the top of his lungs, Eliot couldn’t help but remained glued to the spot, his eyes transfixed on the smooth oiled flesh of Jack Sheppard and the pale firm torso of the FBI agent.

Despite his resolution of not wanting to be involved, Eliot’s feet betrayed him and he began to edge closer to the two, now very naked and very well oiled, men.

Mulder set the bottle down on the back of a chair and he and Jack turned to face Eliot, “I have an overwhelming urge to rip your clothes off.” Said Mulder and reached a hand out towards Eliot’s chest.

“And I have an overwhelming urge to rip your face off.” Growled Eliot and yet as the hand reached the buttons on his shirt, he didn’t resist.

And then, just as Mulder had mentioned before, Eliot saw words being typed into his brain and then translated into his actions.

Eliot grabbed Mulder’s hand and brought it up to his lips. He wrapped his hands around Mulder’s index finger and rubbed it lightly over his lips, letting his tongue play over the tip and his teeth nibbled at it gently.

Mulder’s breathing quickened and the hand that was rubbing the oil on Jack’s chest reached lower and lower.

Eliot sucked Mulder’s finger into his mouth, cheeks hollowing out as he did so. Mulder pulled his finger out with a pop, and Eliot turned his head and spat energetically.

“Dammit it man, I don’t know where your fingers have been.”

“They’ve been on Jack.”

“That’s what fuckin’ worries me man.”

Eliot was suddenly swamped by another unbidden urge, this time to bend over one the chairs.

“Uh uh. No way.” He shouted at the cosmos, “I don’t know what kind of freaky shit is going on here, or what kind of kinky stuff these other two homos are into, but we are not going there, no way.”

“Well you are the shortest person here.” Jack pointed out.

“Fuck you King Kong,“ Eliot yelled “I’m not short, I’m just not tall. That doesn’t mean I get to be butt fucked by Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.”

“Everyone knows that the short one has to bottom.” Interjected Mulder.

“Nothing goes up!” Eliot wailed as he bent helplessly over the chair, exposing his fine firm ass to the other two men.

Before he could complain anymore, Mulder stuck his strawberry oil lubricated finger into Eliot’s asshole.

Eliot yelped in surprise and began spewing forth expletives like he was a twelve year old girl and this was a movie about demonic possession.

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” asked Jack.

“No I kiss yours you mother fu…”

Eliot was suddenly silenced as Jack slipped his turgid man meat between the Texan’s lips.

Mulder’s monosyllabic tone was suddenly replaced with utter glee as he buried his cock deep into Eliot’s ass, “Spit roast!” he cried with joy.

Eliot’s muffled groans soon turned into moans of pleasure and as Mulder and Jack reached their respective climaxes, they each pulled out of the orifice in which they were embedded and, taking themselves in hand, they shot their load of hot white salty cum into Eliot’s face.

Eliot sank onto the floor, cum dripping from his hair and face.

“Well that was certainly more fun that being abducted by aliens.” Said Mulder as he started to gather his clothes.

“Definitely more fun than being ship wrecked on an island with a load of mysterious psychos and then getting rescued and giving into alcoholism and then going back to the island and getting transported back in time and then…yeah well this was more fun anyway.” Said Jack as he climbed back into his pants.

Eliot looked sad as he said “I don’t know which is worse, the fact that I got royally fucked by two douchebags, the fact that my right eye is glued shut with spunk or that I’ve got nacho crumbs and a couple of jalapeno slices working their way into the crack of my ass.”

THE END.


End file.
